Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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