We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize