I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
