i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
