You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
