Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
