went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
