I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
