HIV tests are more positive than that guy
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize