I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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