you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
