I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
