I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
