cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
