There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
