Yo dont text me then not text me
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
