I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
