I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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