I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You are a genius and a whore.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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