oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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