I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize