Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
