I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
