Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
