Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
