i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
