Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
