Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
