you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
