im six kinds of drunk right now
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
