Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
