Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
