I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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