She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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