Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
