So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
