ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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