I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
