My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
