i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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