She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
