if i can run in heels then i can drive
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Everyone says I win the strip club
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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