We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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