How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
