my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
