you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
