we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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