we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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