I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
