We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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