I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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