Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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