I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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