omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
