if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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