Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
