I wish they made helmets for livers.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Even my vagina gasped.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
