wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
