good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
